Consensus

I believe that we should challenge ourselves to always generate grounds for reaching consensus whenever we face conflict situations.

Yesterday I was talking with my son. He is 11, and he was complaining about the new coach of his soccer team. He said the coach was stupid because he decided to make my son play in a different position he was used to play. My son told me he got so upset with the coach's decision, he played terribly. My son insisted on blaming the coach for his poor development on the match.

I listened carefully to my son. I wanted him to express freely all his anger and negative feelings that were intoxicating him. When he was done talking, I asked him: are you satisfied with the results of your experience?

He jumped and shouted: "Of course not! The guy is so stupid!"

With genuine curiosity, I asked him: Do you think things might have turned out differently if you had been able to calmly and respectfully reason with the coach why, in your opinion, you should play in the position you were used to play?

Although I could sense a doubt crossing his mind, my son kept on blaming the coach for his terrible performance.

Our problems with communication begin at early age. I'm afraid we care more about being right than winning a match, as in my son's case. The problem here is that we are losing more than just a match. We are losing unique opportunities to generate value together as a community.

I tried to show my son that he did not try to understand why the new coach insisted on putting him in a different position; maybe the coach saw in him a potential my son is not aware of yet, and will not discover it unless he accepts the challenge of playing in a different position at least once. I tried to make my son reflect upon his own attitude and that maybe he was also being stubborn about his point of view, and that his failure could have more to do with his decision to deny his coach's idea than to his supposedly lack of ability.

My son is only 11, but he already thinks and behaves as if he was supposed to know everything. My son is convinced that knowing all the answers and being right all the time is what grants him acceptance to the group he desires to fit in. My son is not acting differently from most of the executives I had the opportunity to coach or work with in my career as a consultant. And this is what really worries me.

My son finally came to the conclusion that he had lost a good opportunity to learn more about his new coach and he is looking forward to next Saturday, when he will have the opportunity to ask his new coach a lot of questions, and he is also curious to try and play again in a different position with a better attitude. My son is also aware that maybe he is eventually better in the position he is used to play, and he is prepared to try and reason his point of view with his new coach. Maybe he will find out that the coach is not ready for reasoning, but he will try to do it anyway. He knows as well that the coach is the maximum authority and he, as a player, will have to follow his lead. Let’s hope his coach will be a good leader and also learn from this challenging situation, and finally be able to inspire the kids to try something new without feeling threatened by it.

Reaching consensus is not a matter of being weak or giving in power; it is the most effective way of inspiring others to follow your idea. A good leader should think about it.